The List

Yesterday brought a few firsts for me and each one gives me different feels.

1. My sister started me a GoFundMe Page.  I had mixed feelings about this for a few reasons but those feelings did not surpass the great need we have at the moment so up it went.  The hardest thing for me is to ever ask help from anyone. I don’t mean, “Hey, can you come help me kill a spider?” (or catch and release for some of my friends–Henshaw) or even help with moving!  Nobody wants to help you move, they do it because of the pizza and beer you’re required to offer…and naturally because you’re friends/family.  But you know that even without their help, if they can’t for whatever reason, it doesn’t change the friendship and you know you’ll be able to get it done.  It’s not a game changer.  

With money it’s different.  Asking for money is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  Harder than being told I have cancer; harder than having a mastectomy, harder than knowing I face my first chemo tomorrow.  Why is it different?  How is it different?  I’ve been thinking and this is what I’ve come up with:  Money is a finite resource for each of us I think.  We won’t bring in any more until payday.  Too many of us live paycheck to paycheck and just don’t have it to give.  Trust me. I live paycheck to paycheck as well and I understand when there’s nothing left to give.  Add to that the fact that it’s the holidays and people are shopping, working extra to provide Christmas for their peeps.  I just want people to understand how difficult it is to even ask and to know that every gift is truly so appreciated.  No gift is too small (ok, spiders are small, I’d prefer you to keep any spiders you may want to gift me, if you have spiders who need a home I’ll refer you to my friend Henshaw)

2.  Genetics test results came back!  Of the known genes that could potentially cause cancers later down the road, to include the BRCA 1 & 2, zero of them belong to me.  This is great news because it means that I’m not any more at risk than the average bear for getting other types of cancer.  I also do not have factor 5 which causes some clotting issues that can lead to pulmonary embolism.  My dad has that so it was a concern.  So…I’m very happy with this news and can breathe again!

3.  I got an email from my last travel assignment last night.  This was odd because I’ve been done there for about 2 months.  The content revealed that one of the patients I cared for ended up testing positive for TB.  I’ve never had a positive TB test and my most recent was July of this year.  During my scans at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance they showed a small nodule on one of my lungs and they said at the time they weren’t concerned about it.  (that was before the mastectomy) Today I get to call “my team” and notify them of these new findings and see what they say.  I’ve had a cough since my surgery but no fevers, no chills, no night sweats (since I stopped my Zoloft anyway), no coughing up blood.  My symptoms are more in keeping with allergies, runny nose and post nasal drip and all mucus is clear as a bell.

4.  My mother is handling our finances right now.  It’s a great stress relief…or will be once we get all the info exchanged.  Yesterday it was not a stress reliever because my phone blew up ALL DAY long with text messages from her about one thing or another.  There’s just a lot of info that needs exchanged.  I dumped a large bag of bills in her lap to sort out…I’m too overwhelmed to deal.  She’s great at that stuff and I’m utilizing resources and delegating.  Thanks for handling that, Mom.

5.  I’ve heard from many people who don’t like GoFundMe because of fees.  I’ve had phone calls, messages and texts asking for other ways to contribute and I’ll provide that here:  private message me or Chris for our address to send directly (practical things like grocery gift cards, gas cards etc are always helpful too.  For monetary gifts FB has a pay feature through its messenger program and I have PayPal ( if the GFM isn’t your thing.  I don’t want someone to feel obligated to give to me but we all have different avenues we’re most comfortable with and that’s understandable so I want to provide other options.

6.  Another individual also feels as if I shouldn’t go to these concerts or tell anyone about it because of the GFM thing.  I purchased tickets months ago when I was working…a lot.  They were $25, I’m flying for free and I don’t plan on spending the night.  I hope people don’t judge negatively or harshly if I choose to attend a show that I’m looking forward to.  I’ve got cancer.  Nothing is guaranteed.  If I’m too sick following chemo to fly then I’ll do the responsible thing and keep my butt home.  Cancer has already taken so much and it will continue to take from me.  These shows give me strength.

7.  My happy:

Today my friend, Cynthia, flies into Seattle to visit for a few days.  I’m so happy to see her (and I hope my chemo isn’t too difficult for her).


9 Replies to “The List”

  1. Thinking about you and praying for you as you start chemo. I’m glad you reached out about the financial need. Many of us are a couple of paychecks away from being in the same position and those of who are not, I am happy for you! Lol all of us need help at times when life throws us unexpected and unwelcome events.

    Liked by 1 person

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