Sometimes You’re the Windshield…

**WARNING** Serious downer alert ahead.  Tune in tomorrow when I turn it around.

Today I was the bug.  It began pleasant and innocently enough.  I took my lovely friend Cynthia back to the airport.  She was kind enough to come visit me for a few days and sit with me during my first chemo treatment.  She flew with me to and from Spokane to see Myles Kennedy perform before returning to Seattle for the final show of his tour.  I enjoy talking with her, she’s very soothing and supportive.  You need people like that in your life, just in case you didn’t know.  (I didn’t always know)

After dropping her off at the airport I think the weight of the past few days really hit me hard.  I really tried to throw down my mojo on the chemo and on cancer…Wasn’t gonna let it get me down, kwim?  I had that treatment, I had that allergic reaction, I powered through.  I flew to Spokane, saw the show and slept in the airport for a few hours before flying home on the 0500 flight.  Made it back, drove home and promptly napped.  Saturday was a chill day. Sunday we went to church then to Seattle for the meet & greet that was generously gifted to me.  I waited in the cold for about an hour before going inside which is a shorter time than some!  

The meet & greet was not my finest hour.  Suffering with the beginnings of a headache I made my way to the front of the line and while I thought I knew what I wanted to say (and I did) my body betrayed me yet again and I couldn’t speak without starting to cry.  I was all weird and felt ridiculous walking away.  The look on the man’s face was priceless—it was the exact look of a person who’s thinking, “Um, that’s a lot of personal stuff I didn’t ask for and I don’t know how to process that.”  Then I smiled for the camera and said my goodbyes.  (I’m such a dork)


After the meet & greet was over we tried to find a spot to grab a light snack.  I was feeling a little in need of sustenance and to get out of the cold so we found a little Japanese spot near the venue and got a happy hour unagi crunch roll that was amazing and I washed it down with a half gallon of water.  Sadly, even with 1 mg of Ativan, my nausea meds and a Benadryl, my headache was too far gone and I threw in the towel.  I made the decision to go home and not see the show.  (Those of you who know me well, know how bad this killed me.  I’m still disappointed and kicking myself even though there’s just no way…)

After getting home last night, I took some stronger medicine and went to bed but slept a little restlessly because of the residual headache.  Since then I’ve dealt with some nausea but not an overwhelming amount—I’ve been eating anti-nausea meds just in case because this girl hates to vomit.  Nausea is my kryptonite in general but toss on a headache too?  I’m done.

So back to the ride home today; I pulled over because I had a crapload of messages.  None of them helped me to feel better.  I sobbed the entire way home from the airport and the day didn’t get much better from there.  

Dealing with the financial fallout from all this is stifling me.  Christmas coming up is stifling me.  I need to go back to work for the money yes but I’ve got to get out of this house and have another purpose than just waiting for cancer symptoms to surface.  Waiting for nausea.  Waiting for my hair to fall out.  Waiting to develop a fever.  Waiting for appointments, waiting for treatments, waiting for procedures.  I HATE WAITING!!  I HATE CANCER!   

As if dealing with this isn’t enough, today is 2 months since my diagnosis.  I’ve had biopsies, scans, labs, mastectomy, physical therapy, genetic counseling, social work counseling and 2 sleeps before my first chemo I got an email from my last job telling me that I had an exposure to a patient with active TB.  Me with my productive cough since surgery.  Walking around the cancer center for 2 months while having possibly been exposed to TB.   Jeebus!!  I called my oncologist’s office to notify them of this and I had to go in and meet with the epidemiologist who is head of the infection control department of SCCA.  All that and another chest X-ray with some additional labs gets me the OK that it’s unlikely I have any threat of having TB.  The next day I get another email from the former facility to say that I actually don’t meet the criteria for exposure because I didn’t care for the patient for 2/3 of his/her stays.  (?? OK)

Heading to Seattle on the ferry yesterday I tried to take a nap.  I laid on my stomach briefly because I wanted to get comfortable.  I realized it was not comfortable immediatly and repositioned.  Coming home on the ferry last night I noticed my surgical site is now leaking.  I have a doctor’s appointment on the 20th with the plastic surgeon.  Let’s hope this is no big deal.  I’m keeping it clean and dressed and hoping this isn’t any major setback.

So I’m going to call this day a wrap.  I’m going to take an Ativan or 2 (yes, mom, I can take 2 at a time per the Dr) and I’m going to eat some cinnamon rolls with my beautiful kids.  Tomorrow I will update with a brighter outlook.  Today can take a hike.

Lastly, please share, follow, like this and if you can consider viewing my Go Fund Me page and sharing even if you can’t donate.  The generosity we’ve been shown thus far has truly helped to ease the immediate burden.

My Happy:

Had to edit this because I feel it’s important to end on a positive note.  I have the best children, nuclear family, extended family and friends ever.  I can only hope you all have at least as much in the way of emotional support as I do.


6 Replies to “Sometimes You’re the Windshield…”

  1. Hum-dinger, for sure!!
    Today is a new day….peace & rest are a must. I wondered about the trauma of your 1st chemo/allergic reaction/TB/etc….it’s interesting how the brain compartmentalizes that trauma. And then, it can’t help but surface bc it’s filled our every cell. ….. I know you are disappointed in leaving early & missing the concert……you listened to your body & spirit….& that comes 1st. The trauma of this experience (for you & family) is “unmatched” by anything else you’ve experienced. Give yourself grace. Put Christmas music on, delight in the joy of your children, gratitude list, laugh with Lindsay ❤️, “be still” and know your Higher Power is working through others for you….is pouring His/Her love throughout the very simplest of this season…..& most importantly, has got THIS! “THIS” being the ability to surround your heart with love & provide clarity that ALL will be ok… I pray your day brings rest & peace & grace & love/laughter with your sister❤️ You are a true gift, Jill, and today WILL be a better day…I just know it❤️. Love you!!

    Liked by 1 person

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