Morning Fog Blog

The morning blog session.  It’s kind of refreshing.  Everybody is asleep, nobody to pester me for food or attention in general.  I realize that sounds terrible but c’mon people, you know, especially if you have kids, you just want some alone time every day to forget about that aspect of life.  Yes we love them, we wouldn’t trade them, blah blah blah…but at the end of the day you just want a little piece of time you don’t have to share with anyone.  Mornings are that for me.  I’m awake.  I’m well rested.  I’m not hungry yet.  The kids are all still sleeping.  The Mr has already gotten up and is having his own quiet time elsewhere so, yeah…just me, the big bed and covers that are already warmed and molded to me!  If I play my cards right The Mr will also bring down a cuppa hot tea for me…hang on. (request placed @ 0738.  Timer set)

All the kids have played really well together.  They have been zero trouble and I’ve really enjoyed the time.  My grandson, Ryder, and I have spent several moments together just bonding and it’s been most special.  He is almost 10–LoLo and I were pregnant at the same time so Ryder’s Aunt Sydney 5 months older.  His other aunt (Annabeth) is about a year and a half younger than him!  Such a fun thing to share with people.  We have this whole Jerry Springer thing going on here!   Ryder asked some cancer questions when we were alone, he apologized for asking but I assured him that cancer or no cancer he could always ask me anything he wanted to know and I’d give him an answer.  Even if I didn’t have an answer we’d find one.  I encourage everyone to have their people ask questions. It’s the only way we find out stuff and it’s one of the few things that can bring us closer as people–asking about them.  People love to talk about themselves (just ask)!!  Talk to them and you find out how similar you really are in the end.

(tea arrived at 0744, Thanks Chris)

Shopping is complete.  I do need some milk and some Hershey kisses for Santa cookies tonight and I can get that any number of places so…we can’t have Santa disappointed.  It’s a tricky year…all these kids. Ryder knows the reality.  Colby knows the reality.  Sydney & Annabeth and the small grands don’t know the reality.  I’d love to just rip down that curtain.  Peel that bandaid…but it’s cute.

I’m currently 11 days past my first chemo treatment.  I have another coming up on 12/27.  I still have almost all my hair.  I feel it’s thinner but it’s been thinning for a while, I just haven’t paid much attention I guess.  The last couple of days I’ve found stray hairs in my eyes or face…I grab it to move it out of my way and it just let’s go of my scalp.  So with that knowledge I don’t pull on it. I don’t brush it, I’m scared to mess with it.  I washed it Friday night…or was it Thursday night?  I’ll wash it one final time tonight maybe.  Have fresh hair for Christmas.  Chemo 2 days after Christmas so it’s just literally a waiting game.

I have a couple of new friends in my life.  Both of them with breast cancer.  One has a year out from diagnosis and treatment and has a lot of similar life paths as me which is interesting.  The other I met recently through a friend of a friend.  She and I are on the same path currently with being diagnosed at similar times and similar stages.  She just shaved her head this weekend.   The first friend shaved her head and owned it.  I’m here like, “Meh, I guess it will fall out when it’s ready.”  I have zero control over that aspect.  I’m not sure I need that control…I guess I do have control in that I can choose to keep it until….Freewill. (even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice–thanks Rush). I see now that nearly all the people in my life from here on out are going to be cancer people and their extended families.  I picture a crap ton of feels down the road for me.  Funny because I’ve struggled my entire life to remove the feels from most things and here I am, smack dab in the middle with all the feels.  I’m better for it.  🙂 I’ve stopped fighting it.

People getting on my case about my medications.  Eat the Ativan, eat the Klonopin, eat the muscle relaxant.  I’ve never needed these things to get through daily life.  I don’t know that I need them now to get through daily life.  I’ve never been addicted to something and I don’t want to start now.  That’s why I didn’t take the oxycontin–scary stuff.  I’d much rather manage naturally.  I feel calm about everything most days.  Some days are worse.  Every day I cry.  I think the emotions I feel, the ideas that get me upset are normal aspects of what I’m going through and I don’t think I need to medicate my way out of it.  I need to process and when others criticize or chastise me for not ‘taking my meds’ I just want to say that we’re all different and maybe I’m processing well enough my way.  My way is different from your way and you’ve never had cancer so do let me figure out what I need and not what you think I need.  I’ll get the Klonopin because I’m familiar and it’s good to have on hand.  Bottom line?  I gotta get my ass back to work and I can’t be on these meds while I work.  Me earning money is more important than me feeling a little stressed over something that’s stressful to begin with.  I don’t think there’s an adequate amount of Ativan or klonopin to truly make the anxiety go away.  It just dulls it, covers it with a fuzzy blanket for you to unpack when you’re off the meds.  I don’t want to find any surprises under that fuzzy blanket so I prefer to stay clearheaded about it.  Please though, you do you ‘cos you’re killing it!!

Agenda:

Today my sister and her fam is coming over for a while.  We’re doing chili here at my place. It’s not a fancy event, just a time to hang with fam.  We’re not doing a gift exchange so it’s really just about the family and enjoying time.  No pressure! Small victories!!

Now to address the chili I’m serving up: is it traditional?  No.  Is it delicious?  Yes.  Is there a ton of it?  Yes.  How many people will be here to eat?  14-ish.  So yeah.  It’s economical, tasty, it’s a one bowl dish so minimal kitchen cleanup and it’s always better the 2nd time so I made it last night and it’s preheating in the oven as I type!  It’s also the meal that gives back…exponentially!  You’re welcome, Bakers!! Top it all off with some cornbread, cheese and sour cream.  Grab some sweet tea and that’s a fine meal.   Tomorrow we’ll have a more traditional Christmas meal with turkey, ham, taters, gravy, etc.  but today we’re going low-key and I’m pretty stoked about it!

I hope I’m not boring you with my life here.  It can’t all be chemo and cartwheels, some days are just normal.  I want that heard above all else.  I think it’s a part of defining–yes I have cancer all the time but I’m not affected by cancer all the time.  That could change I guess but today it is what it is:  a medical diagnosis and not an indicator as to how I’ll live my day.

My happy:  Well duh!! The grands and LoLo are still here AND it’s Christmas Eve!! Tonight means new jammies, new blankets and a fresh new (not ‘new’) holiday movie that has quickly become my favorite:  ELF!!!

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